When I first set out on this quest to compete in a figure comp it was because I loved training, loved feeling strong and fit and I loved the discipline. Also because I found it really empowering to see how far I could push myself. I think it has changed now though and I am becoming more concered with being lean enough, and having a nice enough stomach and just becoming really vain.
Honestly this is much less fun. I can't train just to look a certain way. I know its about fitness etc too, but at the moment I think my main motivation is to look a particular way and its not a healthy or successful motivator.
I want keep fit, and keep my eating under control to stay healthy so I think I need to set a new goal. I might go back to the idea of competing if I can get the fun of it back. I think I have always had a fairly positive self image, but at the moment I really have one of the best bodies of my life, but I'm comparing it to something unrealistic and destroying how I feel about my own body.
I need to find something functional and fun to train for instead of bodybuilding. I would go back to circus except that is too intense for my body to handle and I want something a little more cardio based I think. Possibly kickboxing, or might just get into adventure racing or something for a while.
I know somehow I'm still keen on bodybuilding because if I meet someone else who is into it I can just talk to the excitedly for hours about it, but its just not working for me right now. Sadly I have a beautiful suit and shoes which I may never get to wear.