Is vanity making me miserable

When I first set out on this quest to compete in a figure comp it was because I loved training, loved feeling strong and fit and I loved the discipline. Also because I found it really empowering to see how far I could push myself. I think it has changed now though and I am becoming more concered with being lean enough, and having a nice enough stomach and just becoming really vain.

Honestly this is much less fun. I can't train just to look a certain way. I know its about fitness etc too, but at the moment I think my main motivation is to look a particular way and its not a healthy or successful motivator.

I want keep fit, and keep my eating under control to stay healthy so I think I need to set a new goal. I might go back to the idea of competing if I can get the fun of it back. I think I have always had a fairly positive self image, but at the moment I really have one of the best bodies of my life, but I'm comparing it to something unrealistic and destroying how I feel about my own body.

I need to find something functional and fun to train for instead of bodybuilding. I would go back to circus except that is too intense for my body to handle and I want something a little more cardio based I think. Possibly kickboxing, or might just get into adventure racing or something for a while.

I know somehow I'm still keen on bodybuilding because if I meet someone else who is into it I can just talk to the excitedly for hours about it, but its just not working for me right now. Sadly I have a beautiful suit and shoes which I may never get to wear.

OUCH!

I just had the most horrific fitness assessment at the gym.

First of all I am 28% body fat which is higher than I expected. But worse than that the guy just made me feel stupid the whole time, using all these technical terms I wasn't familliar with and asking my why I wasn't doing such and such with my training and what stage of my training am I in, why this many reps. Why would I want to bulk up when its summer. Do mare cardio, eat less calories. (As you'll know I'm already doing quite a lot of cardio).

It was just the most horrible thing and I felt so bullied. I was hoping it would be a great opportunity to set some goals but it felt a lot more like lets talk about how hopeless and crap everything you are doing is. About half way through I just burst into tears.

Now feeling much more lost than ever.

I Love Training

Today was a great training session. I was really loving it the whole way through. I could feel all of the places I wanted to feel really working. I even did some of the nasty nasty lunges across the gym and I loved them too. It was all legs today, which is my favorit.

Food is not so good to talk about. Lots of sugar and fat. And I have lost all routine. I need to make some kind of action plan about this, but haven't really got there yet. And need to work out how I can make it different so I can stick to it.

Also I had a job interview today. I think it went ok. Will keep you posted.

Skinfolds measured for the first time ever tomorrow. I am very very afraid. Will let you all know how it goes.

Night night!

It's hard and I'm tired and I don't want to.

Today it all just feels too hard. I tried to go to they gym, but only did about half my workout and I feel really tired. I also just want SUGAR so badly and cake. I hate it when my motivation is so low and I feel so crappy because it is usually followed by a lot of beating myself up about it.

On the positive side I have two job interview coming up, so at least some things are going my way!

Hope you are all having a wonderful day.

Consistency

So the tricky thing about doing this is definately being consistent. It is easy to eat well and exercise for a day or a week, even a month, but once we start getting longer term than that. I start to falter. Even a week is proving to be difficult at the moment.

I won't deny that I am eating and exercising a hell of a lot better than I was a month ago and this in itself should be an achievement. But I always struggle with the all or nothing mentality and I find myself feeling guilty even when I have trained well all week but I have an extra meal off plan. Suddenly all the hard work that I did do gets forgotten about and I am labelling myself as hopeless at the whole sport.

I also find it harder to go back to the gym after a day off. I think it gets intimidating when I am not there, and the longer I am not there for the harder it is to go back too!

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday as I had intended, althought I did go for a marathon 2 hour 750cal walk. I then went to an amazing dinner party where each person would bring a dish to cook and everyone would learn how to cook it together - a fabulous idea, but we all chose rather spectacular lucious dishes.

I will hopefully make it to the gym today to train core and arms and get some cardio in too.

Have a great day!

This blogging and reading comments thing is so exciting!

I am so tired today after taking out my young cousin for her 18th birthday last night. I feel too old for drinking and clubbing and I must admit I am a little under the weather today. I also ate too mch yummy food at the party and then again today hungover... whoops.

However I think I am starting to make a lil bit of progress and the definition in my arms and shoulders is starting to come back. I am quite limking the new gym I am training in and getting used to the new and different equipment. The gym is more of a sausagefest than I was expecting though, at the time I am training at the moment I am the only girl in the weights area and almost the only girl in the gym. Luckily though the guys there aren't very intimidating and seem to be fairly easy going and friendly.

I am in general loving my new diet with less protein and more Carbs, I have so much more energy to train and do everything else. I'm still having 160g protein a day, so I don't think I'm cutting it too much to keep building muscle.

Extra cardio tomorrow to try and burn off some of this extra food!

Train hard!

The Goals

Time to set some goals down on paper. So here goes....

1. To be 70kg by the 1/1/09. Not sure how hard this will be, its only 2.5-3kg, but we'll just see how it goes.

2. To be back in a regular training routine by the end of November

3. To get my nutrition on track, only one meal off a week.

4. Last but not least, to do a figure comp in 09!

There they are. All written down...

SCARY!

New me

A new blog, new goals and a new me. Although I didn't blog much before I am trying again, this time with a public blog. I've had a rough last few months and have ended up dismantling most of my life which means now I have a blank canvas on which to build a new one!

I still have the goal of competing in a figure competition and at this stage I am aiming for either early 09 at a local comp or mid 09 at the all females. This will depend on how my training and nutrition is looking come the start of the new year.

I've put on a few kgs in the last couple of months so at the moment I'm just trying to knock them off again!

Looking forward to blogging about the whole journey here!